I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
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I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
😎 🍻
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Happens to everyone.
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.