There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
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[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Woke up against my better judgment again
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.