I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
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If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
Sorry. Not sorry
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.