Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
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I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes