Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
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The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
I need to get some bricks…
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.