Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
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ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol