Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
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If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened