A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
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Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
i meant to share this earlier
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking