My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
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Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers