Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
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“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
mathematically impossible
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.