For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
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*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
Dance like you’re not the father
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*