we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
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*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
The sacred texts.
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.