wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
You Might Also Like
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)