Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
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I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
“Huge”.
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate