[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
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I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.