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ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.