Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
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Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
*exercises sarcastically*
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
KFC hitting the cannibal market
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*