10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
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He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.