Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
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[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
I think they could have phrased this better
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless