Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
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I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”