A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
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“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
This kid is a star!
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.