Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
You Might Also Like
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine