Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
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The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
*updates tinder bio*
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.