the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
You Might Also Like
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
I love art.
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.