The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
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Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.