Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
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No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
never deleting this app.
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.