[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
You Might Also Like
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*