GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
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Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
Alexa: *deep breath*
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.