When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
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What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.