Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
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Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills