Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
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for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
Lmfao
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
That stupid look on my face, is my face
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.