Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
You Might Also Like
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International