In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
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“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”