Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
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People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
Raisins are grape jerky.
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
2 years later
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
Hello, my name is Pierre.
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?