Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
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Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
A roof is a house hat.
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”