😆this is so true
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Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
No, I would NEVER put you on mute