Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
You Might Also Like
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.