Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
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*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.