priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
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I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.