Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
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RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.