Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
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my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
Personal question. #JustSaying
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit