Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
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I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
the #horror is real!
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”