Sombrero is better than nobrero.
You Might Also Like
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.