[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
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Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
they finally got him. they got macavity
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.