Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
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THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
Truth
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
Inside you there are two wolves
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
just gave your address to some spiders
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
Rich people don’t understand cereal
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.