Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
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You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
bout dat hot dog summer
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.