[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
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Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops