as is their right
You Might Also Like
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
my mind
You just read my mind
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.