My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
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friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.