I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
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One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis